


my feet don't dance like they did with you

by winestainedress



Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Angst, Dance Instructor Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten, Ghost of you inspired, I Don't Even Know, I just threw in it that Johnny wasn't okay but there's nothing more, I swear is not that sad, Johnny's dead, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong Get Married, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Relationship(s), Pediatrician Suh Youngho | Johnny, Sad with a Happy Ending, Ten misses Johnny, Ten thinks about their times together, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-01-16 12:47:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21271292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winestainedress/pseuds/winestainedress
Summary: Dance was the only thing that kept him going, up until Johnny came into his life.But when he lost Johnny, suddenly and too soon, dance wasn't enough anymore.His body just didn't move like it did with him anymore.





	my feet don't dance like they did with you

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, English is not my first language so I'm really sorry if there are any mistakes. Maybe you can let me know in the comments and I'll correct them.  
[Here's the playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4cmAj6OeGEzl6GZ3A0cC9Z)  
This was supposed to be part of the same series of "Want you back" (yes, I wrote one in Italian and one in English, don't mind me)  
Hope you'll like it.

2:00 A.M.  
Every, damn, night.   
It was like a date, by now. Always waking up at that hour, facing the clock in front of him, turning around and dealing with an empty bed.   
Ten had already been through some tough losses in his life, but all the "experiences" didn't seem to make things better.   
He would never get used to it.   
Especially when you lose someone you used to share your whole life with. When you find them in every little thing that surrounds you.   
He was everywhere.   
But nowhere.   
Which is a quite strange feeling.   
He could feel him in the air, in his vein. But he had nothing to hold on to anymore.   
And still having him in the small objects around the house or his everyday habits wasn't a good thing.   
It was painful.   
It is, painful.   
And it will always be.   
He knew that. He had been there before.

  
2:00 A.M.  
Waking up in the middle of the night, his heart pounding hard, sweat dripping down his face.   
The same dream every, damn, night.   
Johnny's face was right in front of him, it felt so real, so vivid and alive.   
It was the worst illusion, having Johnny to tell him that everything would be fine. That he would be fine, someday. He just had to keep going.   
And angry, mad, still not processing everything, Ten screamed back.  
"Why? Why didn't you keep going on?"   
Tears streaming down his cheekbones to his collarbones.   
He just wanted to be hugged, to feel the warmth of Johnny's arms, his breath against his hair, his hands around his waist.   
Just that.   
To feel loved again.   
And he tried, leaning towards the other boy he reached out for the other' soft skin. But right there, when he was so close, Johnny disappeared like a breath of wind.  
But that wasn't just one of his usual nightmares, the ones he always used to have where he feared he would lose the boy.   
It was the reality.   
In the end, he really lost him, forever.   
And waking up from all of this would only lead him to face a half-empty bed.  
God knew how much he wanted to sleep on his side, trying to grasp the last traces of his scent that were left.   
But he just couldn't, that was his side.   
And he was still hoping for him to come back one night, coming in with the rain maybe. He would leave all the windows open for him.   
It was a hopeless dreaming, Johnny would never come back to him.   
He took a one-way ticket for a trip Ten wasn't invited.   
He left, without saying a word.   
And Ten was there to say his last goodbye to someone who wasn’t Johnny anymore.   
He was there when he saw his body six feet under.   
But before that, he was there to find his lifeless body on the ground.   
If he only had come home 5 minutes before, Johnny would've been there, by his side. 

2:00 A.M. and all he was left with were wishful thinking and guilty thoughts. 

* * *

  
  
6:30 A.M.   
It was early, right?   
A tremendous time to wake up to.   
But it wasn't that bad when Ten opened his eyes to see Johnny's tanned skin glowing with the first morning's lights. Or when in winter he used to pull him closer, just five minutes more, snuggling together. Their faces buried in each other's neck.  
Then there was coffee. The strong scent spreading around the house, filling their senses.   
They weren't really awake by that time, just lazily dragging their bodies around those four walls.   
But it was enough.   
Ten sitting on the barstool next to the kitchen island, feet dangling back and forth as he watched Johnny making breakfast.   
It was more than enough.   
It was their everyday routine.   
It was their kisses through laughter and pancakes. Huffs thinking about the busy day they had before them. Smiles thinking about coming home to the other.   
And then there were the rushes around the place, quickly looking for their clothes. Sharing the bathroom, one taking a shower the other brushing his teeth. Fighting with hair who never wanted to stay at their place.   
And smiles.   
Once they were out of the apartment, going to the car, off to work, smiling to each other.   
Hand in hand.   
Holding tight.   
But Ten thought he didn't hold as tight as he should've.   
No, he definitely didn't.  
Because they didn't have mornings like this anymore.   
Simply,  
they didn't have any more mornings.   
Now, on the table, there were two cups.   
Green and red.   
One empty.   
One full.   
But now coffee had no taste at all. It had no meaning. It didn't bring happiness, just pain.  
And just as the hot liquid entered the cup, it ended down the sink.   
At some point, there was no use even making it.   
And Ten kept dragging his body around, but he felt like he didn't have a body anymore. He was more like an empty shell.   
He wasn't in a rush anymore.   
The less he stayed in bed the better he felt. Covers weren't enough to keep him warm.   
They weren't Johnny's arms, they would never keep him safe like he used to do.   
He wasn't in a rush anymore.   
Simply because dancing, now, made him feel sad.   
What was the point of dancing if he had nobody to dance with?   
Nobody to tell how the day went, how he felt alive when his feet painted imaginary figures on the floor.   
There were no more kisses.   
No more hugs.   
No more laughter.   
No one to come home to.   
Just this thick air surrounding him, making it hard to breathe.   
It felt like Johnny was everywhere.   
But he was nowhere. 

7:15 A.M.   
Cold air hitting his face.   
Leaving their house behind. Going to the car, his car, the one he never had the strength to sell. Off to work.   
An emotionless face, smile nowhere to be seen.   
Hand in his pocket.   
Clenching hard around itself.   
Johnny's hand wasn't there anymore, he had nothing to hold on to.   
He should've held tighter.   
He should've never let go.   


* * *

  
  
8:00 A.M.   
It was a beautiful Sunday morning.   
The sun was shining shyly behind the few clouds who filled the sky.   
The lights outside reflected the beautifully red-pigmented leaves, giving autumn' s vibes.   
That Sunday morning felt like a soft blanket wrapped around your body on the coldest winter night.  
Ten used to love that kind of weather.  
It was the perfect excuse to convince Johnny to make hot chocolate and biscuits.   
It was the perfect excuse to stay in all day; cleaning the house with Christmas music playing in the background, cuddling together on the sofa, playing board games on the carpet.   
It was the perfect excuse to make love next to the fireplace.   
Ten loved making love to Johnny, it didn't matter where -honestly.   
But there, close to the flames, was his absolute favourite place.   
Johnny skin used to shine so brightly, all his perfect features could be seen in a completely different light. His pitch-black hair looking like the darkest starry night.   
And the contrast of the cold air to the warmth of the fireplace and their bodies.   
The warmth of their love.   
And the aftercare there, how much he loved it.   
Them lying tired on the floor, hugging each other trying to steady their breathing. Their feet always cold, especially Johnny's, because the fireplace was definitely smaller than them.   
All the talks they had about their future. Ten saying that they wouldn't have lasted because there was no way on earth he was having kids, just cats. But on the other hand, Johnny had already named them.   
Or the planes to go back to Chicago by the new year and then going to Bangkok on Easter.   
And then the smell of burned biscuits bringing them back to reality. Johnny saying it was all Ten's fault and Ten simply laughing back at him.   
Ten used to love that so damn much.   
But now he was brought back to reality by the loud silence of that house.   
It simply didn't feel like home anymore.   
It simply wasn't home anymore.   
Ten hated the sunlight shining from the outside, he hated the orange leaves falling to the ground creating that patterns of warmth colour.   
Ten didn't light up the fireplace anymore.   
Ten didn't make biscuits anymore. 

  
8:30 A.M.  
It was a beautiful Sunday morning.   
Usually, the perfect excuse to stay in. But now, Ten was just looking for a reason to go out.   
And maybe never come back.   
But he couldn't.   
He wanted so badly to go far away from there, leaving that city far behind him.   
But he couldn't.   
He promised Sicheng.   
He had his job there, all these young boys and girls looking up at him, being so happy that he was their teacher.   
He really couldn't.   
He knew the feeling of losing someone out of nowhere, and it sucked.   
He didn't want them to go through that too.   
And, to be honest, he wasn’t brave enough to leave all the memories he had there.   
To change his life another time.   
He wasn’t strong enough to do that.   
And going out, seeing happy faces, just put him in a bad mood.   
Because it wasn't fair.  
It wasn't fair that that happiness was taken away from him.   
So abruptly.   
So staying in was the best solution.   
Cleaning up, finding pieces of the past, discovering things he simply didn't get in time. Feeling guilty again, maybe. 

  
9:30 A.M.  
He hoped he wouldn't find anything new but apparently putting all Johnny's clothes in a box in the basement didn't save him from it.   
Johnny's favourite shirt was folded between his.   
He tried to fight the urge to hold it in his arms, keeping it close to his chest, smelling the scent.   
But he couldn't.   
He tried not to cry like a baby.  
But he couldn't.   
It was so unfair, how he used to hold Johnny's torso, burying his face at the base of his neck, leaving soft and innocent kisses here and there. How Johnny used to rub his hand on his back. How their breaths went together, inhaling and exhaling.   
Two hearts, one heartbeat.   
And now, there was one heart and no heartbeat.   
Not like before, at least.   
Because Ten didn't feel like he had a heartbeat anymore.   
Now there were two arms hugging an empty shirt.   
No neck to bury his face in to.   
No arms to feel safe in.   
No hands rubbing his back.   
Nothing.   
And then he did something he promised he would've stopped doing. He had promised that to himself quite some time ago, thinking getting rid of certain habits would have helped.   
But it didn't.   
He suffered anyway, so he decided to suffer feeling Johnny a little bit closer.   
Getting rid of his warm sweater he wore Johnny's shirt.   
It was so much bigger and thinner. But somehow he felt more warmth.  
It was Johnny's scent, the warmth of his body, somehow still trapped in that fabrics.   
Johnny was pretty jealous of that shirt, he never let anybody wear it. It was stupid, and maybe a little bit childish, but he was just really affectionate to it.   
But Ten remembers one thing clearly.

It was a pretty hot Saturday morning in June.   
They had just finished making love with the new morning's lights piercing through the windows.   
Ten was sitting on the bed, waiting for Johnny to make breakfast.   
"Come here." He said patting his thighs. Ten smirked and got close to him.   
"Ain't too early for round two?"  
"No, you fool. I don't want that." Johnny smiled.   
Ten had a sad expression on his face but did as he was told.   
"Now close your eyes and put your arms up"  
"What? What do you want to do?" Ten asked curiously and scared at the same time  
"Just trust me, please." and he did. Because he would've given his life in Johnny's hands, and probably he did that. And that was why he felt like Johnny took half of him with him.  
Then Ten felt a soft texture making contact first with his hands then his arms, down to his waist.   
"Open your eyes."   
He still remembers it, Johnny's big smile as he was looking at him. A sparkle in his eyes.   
"But...that's your favourite shirt." He mumbled.  
"Yes, but you are my favourite person." It came out straight of his mouth. So heartfully, so sincerely.   
But if it was true, why did he leave?  
Why did he have to be so egoist to leave without him, but at the same time taking with him a part of Ten?   
Why?  
Ten simply couldn't understand.   
So now he was standing there, sitting on the cold floor wearing his clothes.   
And all he could think of was how much he missed him.   
It was a persistent pain, but some days it was just a little bit more painful and harder to make it till the end.   
All he knew was that he didn't know how to be something Johnny's missed.   
He didn't know if he did, but he was pretty sure he didn't, wherever he was.   
He just felt like he didn't do enough to make him stay, to give him a good reason to stay.   
Because he was sure that if he did he wouldn't be there, pathetically crying on the living room floor wearing his shirt.   
He would be in his arms, with hot chocolate in one hand and biscuits in the other.   
Maybe they were just too young to realise what they had.   
Too dumb to think that he could have been able to save Johnny.   
But the feeling of guilt was always there.   
He knew he wasn't perfect, but he thought he was a good listener, he thought that Johnny had found shelter in him, but when Johnny left he realized that it wasn't true. It wasn't enough.   
_Why was I so blind to the point I couldn't see the signs? _  
_Why did you have to go away, Johnny?_  
_Why?_  
_We could've been something amazing. _  
_But now we are nothing. _  


* * *

  
  
6:30 P.M.  
It was the time they used to come back from work.   
Johnny left the paediatrician’s office and then took the long way home to pass by Ten’s dance studio.   
It was like that most of the times.  
Ten could drive but he kind of hated it. He enjoyed more watching Johnny's concentrated gaze on the road, his hands gripping the wheel tight. His smile when he talked about the children he had helped that day, was the best thing Ten could witness after a hard day at work.   
And when they had different days off he used to go home to Johnny cooking, while blues or jazz music was playing in the background.   
Ten used to back hug him silently, his chin resting on the older's shoulder.   
And then, holding his hand up in the air he made him make a turn and kissed him softly.   
Just a small peck on the lips, barely perceptible.  
And Ten smiled genuinely.   
"Mind to show me what you did today?" Johnny whispered in his ear, a hand wrapping around the smaller's waist.   
“Mh, do you think you deserve it?” Ten asked with a smirk on his face. But his teasing never lasted long because Johnny’s hands on his body were too distracting, making him shiver, and his hot breath on his neck made him lose his mind.   
A huff left Ten's mouth, it didn’t matter how hard he tried, he would always lose to Johnny.  
“So? Would you show me?”   
“Ugh, don’t be so formal with language.” Ten rolled his eyes, slightly pushing him away.   
“What’s so wrong with that? You only like it when I talk dirty and use vulgar words?” Johnny teased, pushing him close to his chest another time.  
“Oh Lord, no. You know that there’s a way in between, right?” The younger said trying to get free from the tight hold Johnny had on him, but he was just putting on a show, he loved that hold. He loved feeling safe in his arms, especially after a long day at work.   
“I’m still waiting.” The tall whispered against his neck.  
“Fine, fine. But you dance with me.”   
“Who am I to say no?”   
Ten smiled happily and got close to the stereo in their living room. “Let me choose the right song.”   
And just as the music they had chosen started to fill the house, Ten grabbed Johnny’s hand.   
“Just to let you know, I don’t dance like these in front of the kids.”   
“Mh, you better not.” And they both laughed, Ten rested his forehead on Johnny’s shoulder and Johnny threw his head back.   
  
That was the time Ten loved the most. Going back home after he had been dancing all day, just to dance again, but with his favourite person, with his lover. It was completely different. The way their bodies moved together, lines from different bodies becoming one, the atoms of their bodies crushing against each other.   
Shivers burning on their skin.  
But now there were only rivers running down his cheeks.   
Nothing more than that.   
Ten didn’t dance anymore.   
Ten had no one to tell about his day anymore.   
But if he closed his eyes, and dreamt long enough, he could still see and feel their souls dancing around those walls, trapped in there forever.   
One dead, one alive.   
The dead one taking with her the alive one.   
Because Johnny didn’t take Ten’s body with him, but his soul.   
And there was no way Ten was having her back.  


* * *

  
  
7:30 P.M.  
The dinner was getting cold. Losing all the warmth as Ten stared at the plate blankly.   
Was there really a point in eating if Johnny didn’t make it? Was it really worth coking if Johnny couldn’t taste it?   
Was there really a point in living at all?  
Maybe now he was starting to understand Johnny’s point of view.   
Maybe he wasn’t so wrong.   
Ten had lost so many people in his life, but with all of them, he never felt like it was his fault. Because it wasn’t.   
But now, it was completely different.   
It didn’t matter how much he read the last letter Johnny wrote for him, all the reassurance in it, all the “I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t take it anymore.” Because if he couldn’t, maybe, a little bit, was his fault too.   
And there was anger.   
All the “I love yous” he wrote, he said, or whispered in the night.  
But if he said he loved him why did he leave?   
Ten had been so mad. With Johnny. With life. And with himself.   
But he came to the realization that now, all of that was no use.   
Not in that life, at least.   
Maybe in another life.   
Maybe if they’ll ever meet again.   
As different people.   
Maybe in another life, they would’ve kept their promises about forever.   
Maybe in another life, Ten would’ve been a good reason to make Johnny stay.   
Because in this one, he hadn’t been enough to make him stay.   
Maybe, they will be strong enough to make it through together.   
Maybe, in another life, Ten wouldn’t have to say that Johnny left, forever.   
In the most painful way.   
Because now, Ten had to deal with this life all alone.   
Way to many time to himself, letting him drown in his thoughts, leaving him deep in his sorrow.  
Nothing seemed to be strong enough to get Johnny out of his mind.   
He had tried alcohol.   
He had tried going out, driving in the night, being blinded by the streets lights.   
He had even tried to move on, but nobody was him.   
No other touch could make him feel what Johnny’s touch did.   
There was no way somebody else could make his heart beat that fast. All the other faces he encountered in his path felt like masks, no emotions building up inside of him when he looked at them.   
He couldn’t do that, give himself to a stranger after Johnny had known him so deeply and for so long. The intimacy and the trust they had built through the years, he surely knew that nothing would ever come close to that.   
Ten couldn’t move on because he knew that he would’ve looked for Johnny in every stranger.   
And he knew that nobody else was like him.   
Johnny was stuck in his brain, it didn’t matter how hard he tried to refrain.  
So he screamed in the night, hoping for Johnny to hear him, wherever he was.   
He begged him to do what he wasn’t able to.   
He begged for him to take a breath and dive in deep, disappearing from his mind. Slowly drowning in the sea, till he touched the sand.   
But Johnny didn’t listen.   
He was stuck there.   
With no intention of leaving him.   
But then a side of him was terrified.   
He wasn’t so sure he wanted to let go.   
To lose him, forever, for real.   
  
  
8:00 P.M.  
Ten never thought they’d end like this.   
He would’ve hated a break-up but this – this was so much worst.   
He never thought that he would’ve had to name one of their kisses as their last.   
Or one of the time they made love to each other. One of their dates. One of their trips in the car on Sunday’s morning.   
One of all of these had been their last.   
And he had never imagined that.   
If he only knew, maybe, he would’ve made them last longer.   
He would’ve held Johnny a little bit more.   
He would’ve said all the things he never said.   
He wouldn’t have cried, he knew how much Johnny hated seeing him like this.   
He would’ve given Johnny a part of his heart and vice versa. He would’ve given that as a gift so that Johnny wouldn’t have to steal it like he did, since the first time they met till the day he left without a word.   
But he didn’t know that.   
He couldn’t.   
Because Johnny was such a good actor. Telling him that things were getting better. That therapy was helping. That he had no dark thoughts anymore.   
And he was so stupid for believing him and trusting him. But he never liked to invade his privacy, so he used to stay in his place.   
He shouldn’t have.   
But now was late.   
So maybe holding to his memories was the only way left to save him, at least to save his memory.   
And so Ten was sitting on their bed, looking at his old pictures, watching him in the same way he used to look at him when he slept by his side. Using fantasy and imagining a life together, a life they simply couldn’t get back. Looking back at the photos of their dates or trips. Their smiles so bright. Their hands so close.   
He didn’t want to paint them with melancholy but he couldn’t help but think how beautiful and tragic their love affair had been. 

  
“You talk too much you know?” Johnny laughed pulling Ten by the waist to make him sit on his lap. Ten hadn’t stopped complaining since he got home and it was funny, really, but Johnny had other things in mind.   
“Oh, and what are you going to do about it?” Ten challenged crossing his arms.   
“You’ll see.” He stated simply and then nodded him to continue.   
Ten furrowed his browns but kept talking.   
“So, as I was saying, Tom kept talking during the lesson and then he couldn’t even get one step right. Of course, I didn’t help him because he just had to listen when I explained five times bef-“ Johnny kissed him. First just lips touching slightly then tongues crushing with each other. Ten was caught by surprise but he didn’t complain. He just gripped tightly at his boyfriend's shoulders.   
“I should start to talk more if you’re going to do it every time.” Ten smiled, once he caught his breath.   
“So you’re telling me you can talk even more?” Johnny asked caressing his back.   
“Can definitely try if you kiss me like that.”   
“Well, then I might start to stand your complains.” Ten hit his shoulder and pouted.   
“Love, I’m kidding.” Johnny said leaning in for another kiss. Ten wanted to pull back, but his pride lost and got closer instead.   
“You can teach me the steps, I surely will listen to you.” Johnny said once he broke the kiss.   
“Or we could do something better.” Ten smirked, his hand going to loosen Johnny’s blouse first buttons.   
“I go for the better thing.” He said helping Ten to get rid of his shirt.

  
Now Ten didn’t talk much. Not like he had someone to talk to.   
Most of his friends were from work, they knew everything that happened during the day. And he got nothing to tell them about his life outside the job, not that it existed anymore.   
He preferred listening.   
During lunch break when Sicheng told him and Taeyong, how Yuta almost blow their house up just to make their birthday cakes, or how they had spent the weekend watching Japanese dramas and he understood nothing.   
He enjoyed listening to his friends and know they were happy.   
Like that one time, Taeyong came at work excited because he felt that Jaehyun was going to ask him to marry him. How he felt guilty because he saw the little ring box when he was cleaning up, and he wanted to freak out. But Jaehyun didn’t ask him anything, so he thought he had built his hopes up.   
And he just tried to make him calm down, telling him that Jaehyun was waiting for the right moment.   
And Taeyong kept asking how he could be so sure and Ten simply smiled, saying that he was sensing it.   
But in reality, he knew.   
Jaehyun was Johnny best friend, and he passed so many times by their home asking for advice.   
He and Johnny were the only one knowing.   
And Jaehyun was supposed to ask for his hand way before, but then Johnny thing happened and he didn’t feel in the right mood. 

  
“Ten! You were so right!” Taeyong screamed as soon as he entered the room, it was early in the morning and Ten was setting the place for the first classes.   
“What’s happening?” Sicheng's head popped out the door.   
“Guess who’s getting married?” Taeyong exclaimed showing them both his hand with the diamond ring on it. His smile went from ear to ear. He was so happy and, for a brief moment, Ten felt happy too, like –genuinely- happy.   
“Group hug?” Ten said to the two of them who were freaking out together.   
“Of course, is all thank to you I didn’t have several mental breakdowns thinking I was just going crazy.” The Korean said wrapping his arms around his two best friends.   
“You should just thank Jae that choose to keep you forever.” Ten said smiling.   
“He should feel grateful to have someone like me in his life.” Taeyong said placing the back of his hand under his chin.   
“You stupid.” Ten whispered and they all laughed.   
“Well, it took him quite some time.” Sicheng spoke.   
“Yes, but better late than never, right?” Taeyong stated, a smile still on his face, and Ten was sure it wouldn’t leave him soon. Unlike his.   
He knew why it took Jaehyun so much time. And he hated it.   
It should've never ended up like this.   
They should’ve gone to the wedding together.   
Ten should’ve been by Taeyong’ side and Johnny by Jaehyun’s.   
But all of this won’t happen.   
Ten will be alone at Taeyong and Jaehyun’s wedding. 

* * *

  
  
10:00 A.M.  
It was a beautiful morning in March, the sun was shining brightly in the sky and it seemed like spring was all around him.   
Taeyong was walking down the aisle, Ten and Sicheng by his side. Jaehyun was staring at Taeyong with eyes full of love, Ten could see that they were slightly fogged by tears.   
He couldn’t believe that after all the years together it was finally happening.   
His best friends were getting married in a beautiful park, surrounded by nature. 

  
“What are you thinking about?” Sicheng’s voice brought Ten back to reality.   
“Nothing, really.” He said playing with the rim of the glass in his hand. He was leaning on the fences of the park that delimited the restaurant. Sicheng did the same.   
“Don’t lie to me, Ten. Something's wrong.” He said in a caring tone.   
“Is– is stupid really.”   
“Is not stupid if it makes you feel sad.”   
Ten lowered his head and shook it.   
“Really, I don’t want to ruin your day.”   
“You won’t, I’m your friend and if I can I’ll try my best to take away a little bit of pain.” Sicheng's hand landed softly on his shoulder, caressing it gently.   
“Is just- is not fair.” Ten sighed, closing his eyes, trying not to let his emotions take over him. Sicheng was just listening, giving him time to think and gain strength.   
“Johnny should’ve been here, here by our side. He should’ve supported Jaehyun, he should’ve thrown the rice at them.” He stopped, gripping his glass more. “He should be singing at the karaoke, or dance with me. But he- he is not here.” He lowered his head again, a lonely tear running on his cheek.   
Sicheng sighed. And simply pulled Ten in a hug.   
After a few seconds like these, he pulled away.   
“You’re wrong, by the way.” He said. Wonder was painted on Ten's face, was he making fun of him?   
“You know better than me that Johnny’s here.” He continued. Ten was about to roll his eyes, he wasn’t in the mood for a “he is in our hearts” speech he had already heard thousands of times.  
“Listen, please.” He stopped him before he could say anything. “Johnny’s shining in the sky, today more than ever. Look at the sun. In these mornings of March, just till yesterday, the weather sucked, but now. It looks like it’s summer already.” Ten looked at the sky, no cloud in sight, just the sun in all its beauty.   
“He has always been by our sides, Ten. He welcomed us this morning and will say goodbye tonight. But he will be with us all day. And I know that it’s not exactly what you wanted, but if it’s the only thing you can get, then take it.” Sicheng’s hand was still on the boy's back, moving up and down slowly to let him know that he wasn’t alone.   
“I miss him too, and I can’t even imagine how much you must miss him, but you have to start to think differently. He is shining over you, looking after you from another place. Ten, he wants you to be happy.”   
Ten stood still, silent.   
“I just, I just wish I could have the chance to see him one last time, Sicheng. I just want to know that he is happy, that he finally found what he was looking for, all the happiness this earth couldn’t give him.”   
“He is, Ten. And he wants you to be happy too.” Sicheng whispered, they never really talked about it before, even though a year had almost passed. Ten simply closed in himself, cutting people out of his life. And when he had to go back to his everyday life he just put on a smile on his face acting as if nothing happened, as if he was fine.   
So it was a little hard having this conversation now, after all the time that had passed and at the place they were.   
“How can you be so sure about it?” Ten's voice cracked, conflicted by his emotions, the sad ones and the hopeful ones.   
“Because it’s what he wanted, as hurtful it is, as egoistic it may sound to us, it’s what he wanted.” Sicheng talked slowly, he wasn’t completely convinced of what he was saying because it took him so much time to accept what Johnny did, but in the end, he understood.   
“If I could only turn back time...” Sicheng barely heard Ten's voice. All the music coming from the dance floor outside and the chatting covered his -already low- voice.   
“But you can’t.” Sicheng breathed out. It was cruel, maybe. But it was true, he couldn’t, and he knew that damn well. Crying over spilt milk was useless.   
“I can’t...” His voice shook.   
“But you can be all the things he can’t be anymore, Ten. You can do that. Maybe that will help you move on.” Sicheng said, his hand pulling Ten’s chin up. Now, they were looking in the eyes.   
“He had chosen you, you helped him as long as you could. But at a point, it wasn’t enough, and it’s okay.” Now, also Sicheng voice was shaking a little bit. “You know him better than anyone else, you can make him live with you.”   
“But, how?” Ten asked.   
“Be his life, his voice. Be the man he loved since he first saw you. Be the man who lived for dance, who lived for art. The man that made him happy, you probably was the only thing that kept him going for so long, Ten. He wouldn’t want to see you like this. Live for you, and live for him.”

* * *

  
  
8:00 P.M.   
The sky was changing its colours, getting darker as the sun was slowly sinking.   
Hot Thailand’s weather was almost suffocating but Ten loved that feeling. He grew up with that heat burning his skin, he was more than used to it.   
He was swinging on the rocking chair in the garden of his house. He looked at the sun and started talking.   
“Hi Johnny, hope you’re okay today.” He started saying “I left London in the end, I don’t think it’ll be forever, but I still did it. It didn’t feel like my place anymore, you know? Yes, you definitely know how I feel.” A bittersweet smile crept across his face.  
“Our house’s fine, by the way. The boys are taking care of it while I’m away.” A sigh left his mouth, two months had passed since he went away. Before leaving he had thought he would’ve wanted to go back home by the second week there, but it hadn’t been like that at all.   
“It was Sicheng’s idea to come here, generally to take a break. I was so against it, Johnny. I just had this terrifying fear of feeling you even farther away from me. Of losing all my memories of you. But no, it’s like getting away from the things we had, pulled me closer to you. I don’t see you in the things we did or had. The ones we won’t have any more. I see you in the experience we never had, in the flowers I take care of every morning, in every sunset, and sunrise. It worked, I guess, what Sicheng told me during Jaehyun and Taeyong’s wedding. They’re really happy, by the way. I think they want to adopt a baby, at least Taeyong hasn’t stopped talking about it.” A small laugh left his mouth. “Just like you, remember? Guess I’ll still stick with cats, anyway.” The hot wind was blowing on his face, the few clouds in the sky were running fast as if they had a place to go.   
“The other day I made biscuits, this time I didn’t burn them, only because I wasn’t distracted by your touch. They were good if you’re wondering. My mom didn’t even believe I made them. Oh, I’m wearing your favourite shirt, I hope you don’t mind. In the end, I’m your favourite person, right? It’s the only thing I took with me, just because Taeyong and Sicheng didn’t see me putting it in the luggage.” Another small laugh escaped from his lips. It hadn’t been easy for his best friends to convince him to leave, but neither was convincing him to leave everything that had something to do with the boy.   
“Ugh, I’m happier now. I just hope you are happy too.” His voice was shaking a little, facing his emotions wasn’t easy, especially now. And he always felt like he had to weight the words he used, he hated when his anger took over him and made him say bad or egoistic things.   
He had spent way too much time doing that, there was no more space for that feeling now.   
“I hated you for so long, Johnny. I hated you like I never thought was possible. I also hated myself so much. But you, I couldn’t believe that you had chosen your happiness over me. Not until now, at least. Was it egoistic? I don’t know, honestly. I wasn’t in your mind and I’ll never be, I can’t judge you for the pain you felt. And I can’t even judge the way you decided to make it stop. Maybe it was selfish, but I learned that sometimes it's okay to be selfish.” He paused for a moment, the sky was starting to change its shades painting itself with red, orange and purple. He smiled.   
“I started dancing for myself again, I feel good when I move my body now. It’s not the same, I won’t lie, Johnny. My feet don’t dance like they did with you. But it’s a start, right? I’m doing good, right? I just hope you’re proud of me. Because I’m proud of you and the marks your beautiful soul left to the word. Before I left, one of your children passed by, Melody, she asked where were you. And at the start, I was feeling sad but then I smiled at her. I told her that you were in a better and kinder place. She smiled back, and then she asked if you were happy, I simply nodded, smiling, a tear left my eyes. And you know what she told me? She was happy that you were happy because you deserved it so much. And damn if she was right. So you better be happy because I don’t like lying to children.” Ten giggled, his hands covering his face.   
“I used to miss you so much, it felt like a persistent pain that would never leave me. But when I came here things changed. It wasn’t easy but look at me now. Look at us now. We made it, right? I’ve seen so many places we wanted to see together, I did so many of the things we had planned to do and I felt truly alive. I still wished you were there with me, right now I wish you were here with me." A sigh left his lips as he kept his eyes on the sky.  
"But I know that I’m not on my own, you are always by my side, you promised me that and I want to believe in you. I believe in you, Johnny. So please, don’t ever leave.”   
“I just would like to hear your voice again, you know? Just to hear you say you’re fine and, why not, that you love me, maybe. Also, that you miss me. Because you miss me, right? Just a little bit? If I could only have one more night for goodbye, I’ll be fine.” A sob resonated in the air.  
“I’m a liar, if I had one more night with you, turning back in time, I would probably waste it trying to make you change your mind, because I've never planned on you changing your mind, I’m sorry. And as much as I go on, I can’t help but curse myself for not being able to find the words to say to you before you left me, to tell you what you meant to me, the happiness you brought me. If I had done that maybe you would've stayed. I’m sorry, Johnny. Maybe in another life, I’ll be able to do that, maybe I’ll keep you with me forever. But in this one, I just want you to be happy wherever you are now. I hope you are dancing too, high up in the sky, an angel surrounded by angels. Because down there, I’m dancing around with the ghost of you and the cold kills me some times. Maybe we’ll dance together again, someday, who knows. But I’m sure that my soul doesn’t want to dance with anybody else.”   
The sun was completely sinking down in the horizon, the sky looking like the most beautiful canvas ever painted.   
Ten smiled, Johnny loved him, it was clear. He knew that deep down.   
He knew that Johnny would’ve always been by his side and he could always send a message to heaven when he needed help.  
He knew that they will be alright, going through the storm just to say goodbye to the hard times, like they always did. Looking after each other, one from the sky, the other from the earth.  
They had to be alright.   
“You have to go now, I guess.” Ten whispered, holding himself in his arms, chin leaning on his knees. “I’m leaving too.” He stood up and adjusted Johnny’s shirt.   
Sending a last gaze to the pigmented sky he spoke, a bright smile on his face.  
“Goodnight Johnny, I’ll see you tomorrow. And please, remember I’ll love you forever.” 

**Author's Note:**

> So, I hope you liked it.  
While reading this for the nth time the idea of writing Johnny's point of view popped in my mind, but I'm not so sure about it. If you want, let me know if you would like to read it.  
Kudos and comments are always well accepted and if you want you can follow me on [Tumblr](https://winestainedress-universe.tumblr.com/) where you can talk to me or send requests.


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